Dealing with GUILT about children after divorce

Hi Timothy,

    When people get married, they did not think that they will get divorced in the future.  They thought that they will be together until they die, that was the vow that divorced couples promised to each other.  But there are things that couples don't agree with, there are issues that could not be resolved, problems that solutions could not be found except to divorce and stay apart.  The sad part is that the children are the ones caught in the middle, are the ones short changed, and the ones more adversely affected.  Guilt is a natural feeling after a divorce with or without children invoved.  I think that you should try to lessen guilt by just being a good father to your children, provide the financial support that the judge ordered, being available for your children when they need you, visiting and spending quality time with them. Explain to your kids that you are still the same father who loves them even if you can't be with them everyday. There is nothing you can do anymore. Over the years your guilt will be diminished when you'll see that your children are turning out to be good people in society because they know that their father did not abandon and turn his back on them just because their parents divorced. 

     Now that you are with another woman with children, love them just the same as if you were their own father.  They need love too and I'm sure that they will be grateful for that when they get out of the household.  These children need a father figure too.  So be generous with your love.  The guilt you're feeling now will go away soon.

    So take care and I hope your present situation and life with this new woman will be happier than what you had before.

Hi Timothy,

I think the most important thing you can do, to help yourself, and your kids, is be there for them, no matter what.

If you and your ex are on friendly terms, and you live close enough, see your children, even if it's just for a few mins. every day that you can.

On the days that you cannot see them, call them.  Just getting a phone call from dad, will let them know that dad hasn't forgotten them, and still loves them.

Once a week, or so, drop them a note and/or card in the mail.  Kids love getting mail, and getting it from dad will really make them feel special to you!

Your feelings of guilt will go away, it's just getting there that's the hard part.

Hang in there, keep your chin up, and never neglect your kids when they need you...they will NEVER forget that you were still there for THEM!

Take care, and good luck! 

Judging by your question, I want to tell you that I think you are such a sweet man. A loving Father.

I am the eldest child of divorced parents, I was 13. While most teenagers were struggling with puberty, and their first crushes, my struggle was with 'why did my Dad have to leave?' It was the hardest thing I ever had to deal with, and at such a early age.

What I understand now, as a grown woman, is that every person has such a unique personality, no one is exactly the same. We each handle problems and heartaches differently, even if two are treated/ or raised the exact same way.

We saw our Dad every weekend, and we had a lot of fun. My sisters and brother were satisfied, we new our Dad loved us so much, but personally, (with my personality) I never felt good about any of it.  I didn't want to go home on Sunday night without him. It was a very lonily and sad time for me, sometimes I felt like I was the only one who missed him, and then I remember how that devistation, that feeling of helplessness turned into anger and resentment.

I wish I could give you the perfect advise on how to alleviate all the pain and confusion your divorce will cause, for you, and your kids, but like the other ladies said, all you can really do is be there for them at every oppertunity, always let them know you love them, and kindly/ tacktfully share your feelings with them. But know that you will each handle your pain over this differently. You know Divorce isn't normal, that something went terribly wrong, so don't avoid their questions or their feelings.  Don't avoid your own.  You talk about your feelings of guilt.. realize that your children may have guilty feelings of their own over this.

I Pray for the the best, for you and your Family.  God Bless you.

Beautiful advice MRankens and Silly, I gave you both 2 thumbs up!!!