I have asked questions here before and gotten alot of help from others. (my name has been changed) Back then, I was having problems with a boyfriend of mine who had been incarcerated. He had written me telling me how much he missed me and loved me and wanting to be with me after he got out of jail. I believed everything he told me. When he got out, he was distant and seemed like he didn't want anything to do with me. He would tell me to call him and when I did, he wouldn't answer the phone. I was playing "phone tag" with him, leaving messages and him never calling back. I was so confused. I was told that he was possibly a sociopath and incapable of truly loving anyone. I was even told that it was "jail-talk". It made sense and I searched the meanings of sociopaths and saw that he fit the descriptions. I later learned that even after being out of jail awhile he was back doing the very things that got him in jail. I kept my distance and I agreed to stay away from him. I was doing so good until I found myself missing him and I called him to see how he was doing. I guess you can say, I am weak and yes, I still love him no matter what. Now he is wanting back into my life. He told me he loves me and l believe he does in his on way, but I am leery, especially after yesterday. I am beating myself up for allowing him to re-enter my life.
Since I have known him, I have always believed the best of him and stood by his side for 4 1/2 years. At times, I don't understand him because He will say one thing and then do the opposite when I am around him or when I talk to him on the phone. It has driven me CRAZY!
I am one who believes that you remain loyal to a friend or loved one. No matter what it is. I may not agree with what he does and all, but I will accept him and love him inspite of our differences. I believe in Unconditional Love. He knows that I will be there for him and sometimes that makes me so mad at myself!! I honestly feel like he hates himself and just tries me to see if I will actually be there for him. So, I remain loyal. I know he has probably gone out on me and lied to me many times. I am silent about the ordeals, but I know the signs of when he is with another woman. I pretend it doesn't matter, but it does hurt me alot. I try so hard to be there for him and not abandon him. If he is a sociopath, then he would have no conscience or would he? He has admitted his failures to me while in jail, but won't admit it in person. I don't understand that! Would a sociopath admit things and feel sorry for things they have done to others?
I know I may sound confusing, because I am confused about this. As of yesterday and after I saw him, I had decided not to keep in-touch with him. But, I know myself and that everytime I make that decision, I can't keep him off my mind! He consumes my mind and thoughts and I wish I could get him out of my head. I can't bring myself into leaving him completely. I can start out strong but I always go back. I think what bothers me most is the fact he knows I will stay with him regardless. That makes me angry at myself. Yesterday, I was hurt because I found signs that a woman had been with him in his apartment. He denied it and said it was just a friend of his he had known all his life. But, when you find a condom wrapper on the floor, is this just a friend?? I didn't say anything but I felt numb. I kissed him and I told him not to call me and that I would get intouch with him later on, and I kept the incident of finding the condom wrapper to myself. I didn't want to argue or accuse him of anything. I even found myself making excuses for him and trying to justify what could have happened. Now, I am stuck and I can't figure out if I should call him or just leave and say nothing to him anymore. I guess I want to leave him alone but not with silence. I want to have my "say so" and then leave. I am stubborn in some ways because I don't ever want to give him an excuse to leave me first or call me a controlling person. I suppose I have a martyr complex. Is that bad?
My mom always stuck by my dad when he was unfaithful and drank and taught me to do the same by her example. So, do you see why I am so confused?
I know what I should do but, doing it is another thing. I guess I just need to air it out and get some advice. I could really use someone to listen and stand by me for a change.
