First, you tell her that she is absolutely correct. It is NOT your job to make her decisions for her.
However, you follow that up by telling her that it IS your job to make sure that she has all the information necessary with which to make her decisions.
You also tell her that her decisions influence her actions, which influence YOUR decisions - which leads to consequences as she is still a minor and that's just the way things are.
Let's take it a problem at a time.
1) The sex. Make an appointment for her with Planned Parenthood. She needs to be educated about birth control as well as protection from STD's. Tell her that it is not up to you as to when she chooses to have sex, but is up to you to make sure she knows how to protect herself as well as how to choose a partner whom she is sure loves and respects her. Keep in mind that she may have to learn this lesson the hard way.
2) The screaming and swearing at you. This is unacceptable. Point blank, you need to tell her that it is not allowed and any further instances will result in a loss of privileges. Hello, she cursed at you and then ran to her room to text the boyfriend? That's when you walk into her room and remove the phone from her hand and she doesn't get it back until YOU decide she's earned it.
3) The making out with the boyfriend in her bedroom. Again, this is a no-brainer. The boy is not in her bedroom. Or, the boy is allowed in her bedroom but the door comes off the hinges. That's right, no door. Guess why? No door equals no privacy. Once she's learned that she's to follow the rules at all times (i.e., act as though you're standing over her shoulder even if she can't see you) then the door can go back on.
4) Consequences for her actions. Another no-brainer. Who is running the show, here? She lives in YOUR house. YOU pay the bills. She is a minor, which means YOU have the final say. I'd remove the driving privilege. Heck, I'd take the license. If she acts like an immature child, then she gets treated like an immature child - and children are not allowed to drive, are they?
I don't mean to sound so harsh, but it sounds to me as though you set this ball in motion about 17 years ago. You are now going to have a very hard road to turn things back to where you'd like them to be.
If necessary, I suggest you sit your daughter down and tell her you're sorry.
Yes, that's right. You tell her you're sorry things have been the way they have been lately.
You tell her that you've been thinking about it and you realize you made a mistake. Your mistake was that you allowed her to grow up thinking it was all about her, and that she was always going to be able to have things her way. You now realize that was wrong.
And since you now realize your mistake, you've decided to correct it. And as such, things will now be different around here; as follows:
(And THAT'S when you let her know the new rules and consequences for breaking them.)
Tough love for all of you. Good luck.
