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Arguing

Hi, when my husband and I argue, he usually screams, and I try to be calmed; but at the end I end up screaming too. What is best, to let him scream, or just listen to him talking to himself so he'll shut up that way?  Thanks!


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82 thumbs up

If you can't handle the truth, why bother to ask the question?

Wow!  I feel for you...  I agree with dogbreeder that you should speak with him about this at a time when things are good between you.  Communication is the key to a good relationship.  One thing I have learned over the years is that when the volume goes up, the intelligence level goes down!  Amazingly, when someone is yelling at you, you can't HEAR them!   One possible way to handle this is after talking to him about it when things are calm, the next time he raises his voice during an argument, simply state that you won't be treated in this manner, that when he calms down you will resume the discussion, and walk away.  At that point do not get drawn back into the argument until he can speak to you calmly.  You will have to learn to tune him out until he stops yelling.  Hopefully he will learn that his old method isn't working anymore and will be forced to learn a new way to debate issues with you.  Also, try to really pay attention to the things you say to him and to the way you speak to him.  See if any of the things you are saying or the way you say them pushes his buttons.  If you notice that happening you may need to tweek your behavior some.  Keep in mind that this behavior may have been learned growing up or in another relationship.  Either way, as long as you continue to engage with him in this way, it will continue.  Most people are never taught to disagree constructively and are left to figure it out on their own.  Take care not to let this method turn into avoidance.  Avoiding issues is as destructive between two people as yelling.  Allow the necessary time for him to calm down and then resume the conversation.  If he begins to yell again, repeat the steps.  It's really about setting good boundaries and respect.  You can't resolve conflict by yelling at one another and now is as good a time as any to stop going in circles. 

 I had a similiar conversation with my daughter in law about the same thing.  It seems that when my son did something wrong and she called him out on it, he would respond defensively and start raising his voice to her and nothing would get resolved.  I suggested she wait until she knew she could be calm and then begin the conversation by stating she wanted to talk to him but only if he could promise to be calm and keep his voice down and discuss the matter like an adult.  She called the next day and said it worked!  I hope this helps!


Posted 7 months ago ( permalink )
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16 thumbs up

why u never ask what role she played in this all u say is he this or is he that every thing is on the man in you response.


Posted 3 months ago ( permalink )
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156 thumbs up

Screw 'em if they can't take a joke

Hi Tyrone.  While it may sound like I was only "after" the man or putting all on him.  The question was from a woman who wanted to know how to deal with her husband...that is why so much "he this and he that", but I also told her that "she" needs to NOT get into screaming arguments with him by not engaging (yelling back).  And if you think that means that she has only a small part in the end result, think back on fights you have had.  It takes two.  If there is only one, that is not an argument, it is abuse.  I then pointed out to her that he AND she are setting a bad example for the children, if any.  Having grown up in a "screaming" house with a military father, I know that it has had a lasting effect on me...making me want to avoid fighting at all costs so that it does not get to yelling.  I was also trying to stress that it is a problem that they will BOTH have to work on or they will get nowhere... they will keep yelling and it may get worse.  They could try discussing things before the subject is backed with so much emotion and if it is too late and the anger has taken over already, tell him or HER that you would really like to talk to them about anything that is bothering them and will be glad to do that...just as soon as they can be calmer and sit together to try to find a solution that they both find agreeable.    

So Tyrone, I was not picking on you if you are the other half of this couple or part of another couple that also screams when angry.  I can tell you that what will most likely happen, even if there is never physical violence, they will find themselves yelling more and more and soon any difference will be met with yelling instead of ever trying to work anything out before it reaches that point.  I am sorry if I offended you or made you feel that I was "man bashing" as that was not what I was trying to do.  Had the letter been from a man asking the same question, it would have been filled with "she this and she that" with mention of how he could keep it to a minimum.  Take care.


Posted 3 months ago ( permalink )
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16 thumbs up

i don't argue with women u will never win i don't have to .i know this about women they r very emotional any argueing  puts u in thier arena of emotions so i will flip the script and rub her emotions the right way most men don't no how to do this .


Posted 3 months ago ( permalink )
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