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Asked about “Love & Sex on AOL Coaches

Arguing

Hi, when my husband and I argue, he usually screams, and I try to be calmed; but at the end I end up screaming too. What is best, to let him scream, or just listen to him talking to himself so he'll shut up that way?  Thanks!

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If you can't handle the truth, why bother to ask the question?

RE: Arguing



Wow!  I feel for you...  I agree with dogbreeder that you should speak with him about this at a time when things are good between you.  Communication is the key to a good relationship.  One thing I have learned over the years is that when the volume goes up, the intelligence level goes down!  Amazingly, when someone is yelling at you, you can't HEAR them!   One possible way to handle this is after talking to him about it when things are calm, the next time he raises his voice during an argument, simply state that you won't be treated in this manner, that when he calms down you will resume the discussion, and walk away.  At that point do not get drawn back into the argument until he can speak to you calmly.  You will have to learn to tune him out until he stops yelling.  Hopefully he will learn that his old method isn't working anymore and will be forced to learn a new way to debate issues with you.  Also, try to really pay attention to the things you say to him and to the way you speak to him.  See if any of the things you are saying or the way you say them pushes his buttons.  If you notice that happening you may need to tweek your behavior some.  Keep in mind that this behavior may have been learned growing up or in another relationship.  Either way, as long as you continue to engage with him in this way, it will continue.  Most people are never taught to disagree constructively and are left to figure it out on their own.  Take care not to let this method turn into avoidance.  Avoiding issues is as destructive between two people as yelling.  Allow the necessary time for him to calm down and then resume the conversation.  If he begins to yell again, repeat the steps.  It's really about setting good boundaries and respect.  You can't resolve conflict by yelling at one another and now is as good a time as any to stop going in circles. 

 I had a similiar conversation with my daughter in law about the same thing.  It seems that when my son did something wrong and she called him out on it, he would respond defensively and start raising his voice to her and nothing would get resolved.  I suggested she wait until she knew she could be calm and then begin the conversation by stating she wanted to talk to him but only if he could promise to be calm and keep his voice down and discuss the matter like an adult.  She called the next day and said it worked!  I hope this helps!


Posted 6 days ago ( permalink )
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739 thumbs up

Worship the Lord with thanksgiving and praise.  Let your heart rejoice and thank him for the joy He has given to you and me.  Ask Him to let your joy overflow to others today and everyday of your life.

Thank God for the great and glorious things He has done in your life.  Praise Him for His daily blessings and guidance.

Thank the Lord for His gift of grace and ask Him to help you share your faith and yur abundance with others.

God promises extraordinary results when we ask for his power.  Ask Him to reignite your fire and to refresh your spirit so you can do His work in your world.

Please let us love one another, show that we care for people and only hope for the best for everyone we meet, work with and live with.  We badly need a world filled with love, not hatred.

RE: Arguing



Hi,

  When both of you are in a lovey-dovey mood, like after making love,  you should agree and promise each other that you both are going to try harder not to scream at each other.  That screaming does not really make it easier to resolve the conflict and disagreement at hand.

    When you actually start screaming at each other , one should remind the other that you were not to do this again and just laugh it off.  Hopefully this will help.


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RE: Arguing



best phrase ever created... KILL THEM WITH KINDNESS. someone has to be the bigger person. in a dispute its always hard to stay calm trust me i know. but hear him out let him do all the talking. when he realizes he is getting no feed back. you'd be surprised to see him either calm down, ask you whats wrong or just stop talking and grow frustrated where he may walk away.. either way stay cool even if you're boiling inside then in a low calm tone say are you done do you feel better. ok now this is what i feel and stay cool. ask him if he agrees or disagrees and discuss the topic no further and walk away by simply making yourself occupied with something else either a good book or a home chore.  WARNING>>> IT MAY CONFUSE HIM!


Posted 28 days ago ( permalink )
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