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Afraid my father will never truly know me...........

I am a 28 year old lesbian who has been in a relationship with the same person for almost 12 years.  My father has yet to come to terms with the situation.  I have never asked him to agree with my lifestyle or even accept my relationship.  However, my partner and I do have a 5 year old son and that makes things with my father more difficult.  My father does not allow my partner to come into his home or attend any family functions.  At first, I would go on my own and leave her behind. She was kind about it and understood.  After my son was born it got harder b/c I wanted him to be able to spend time with his entire family.  I would have to take him to my father’s house and then celebrate the holiday with my partner and our son.  The older he got the worse it got b/c my son wanted her to be with us when went to “papi’s” for Christmas dinner or Thanksgiving.  Last year I tried for the last time to get my father to allow my partner to attend our family Thanksgiving. He refused.  Now I have moved 16 hours away and my fear is that my father will pass without ever coming to terms with “me”. He truly believes that I am going to hell and he doesn’t want any part of it.  I am so scared for him to die thinking his eldest daughter will spend eternity in damnation.  I am just looking for any advice from people who have been in this type of situation. 


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Fool me once,

shame on you!!

Fool me twice,shame on me!

i don't think he will ever come to terms with it.

i don't think you should keep asking him to allow your lover to come to his house,you have to respect his decision and do what he wants when you go to his house
Posted 2008-07-28T19:49:23Z
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I don't keep asking him and I do respect him.  I gave him ten years to develop an understanding and then I asked if she could attend our Thanksgiving dinner. Up until then, I just hoped and prayed that he would realize, my relationship was not going to end. When he said no, I informed him that I could no longer break my family up on Holidays and that I would have to be with "my" own family on those important days b/c it is important to my son.  My son views her as his family and a parent and he needs her there to celebrate those special days.  I have never asked anyone to treat her like family, however, she is my significant other and the other parent to my son.
Posted 2008-07-29T12:25:06Z
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~ Snotternonsense   CatInHatter ~

S.N.O.T.S., Inc.

He will never change.  His ideals are more important to him than you or your feelings, or even his grandson.  It is sad that it has to be that way, but it is a choice that he is making.  You gave him plenty of time.  It is time to be a real married couple.  Go places together, and those people that cannot accept you obviously don't treasure your company the way they should.  It is so hard to love someone that doesn't love the real you back.

 

I am so very sorry that he is hurting you this way, but you really have no alternatives.  Holidays are celebrations, and we celebrate with the people we love.  You moving 16 hours away has made it easier.  Now you can tell your son that his grandfather just lives too far away to see.  And I would NEVER have him spend time alone with your dad.  Your father will try to make him feel bad about the two of you, and that is just too destructive.  I would be willing to bet that your dad asks if your son could spend a few weeks at his house without you.  Please don't do it.  Tell your father, the next time you see him will be when he comes to visit you and your partner in your home.

 

Good luck, and I'm sorry.   This must hurt so much.
Posted 2008-07-29T23:18:28Z
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Thank you so much, I really needed to hear that someone understood how painful and heart breaking this situation is. I understand that he has his “Old Testament” values and can’t move past that.  Growing up my father and I always fought over things like this.  He is quite “racist” in a certain fashion of the word.  He doesn’t approve of anything beyond his experiences and lifestyle. I have always been more liberal and stood up for the “underdogs”.  My sister’s husband is a regular pot smoker.  He has always caused turmoil for my sister and even almost tore their marriage apart.  He smokes all day, every day. She has chosen to accept him as is and my dad has no problem allowing him in his home.  How is it that a “druggie” is welcome in our family but yet my wife and I have basically been out casted?  If he can accept my son and claim to love him, then how can he not accept the woman that cut his umbilical cord?  My father is the only family member that has given me grief over this, thank God.  After about 4 years of trying to hide things, we came completely out.  I hoped that one day he would open his Bible to the New Testament and in turn open his eyes some.  That hasn’t happened.  I hate knowing that my father will pass away thinking he failed with me and that I am going to burn in hell.  It really torments me.  I truly appreciate your response. It helps so much to know that other people can see my side, I get really tired of people telling me that I should be the one to bow down to his terms.

Posted 2008-07-30T11:22:46Z
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I am glad i saw this and have some things to say; your father doesnt accept and more than likely wont ever accept this lifestyle.  He sees it as immoral and wicked practise and wont have much to do with it.  Your choice to enter this relationship is dividing your from him, morally.  I am sure he loves you and always will.  I would suggest you continue to seek his company with you and your child but without your partner.  Exclude your partner when seeking his company and do not discuss your lifestyle with him at all if possible.  Since you did ask, i offer that you may reconsider your lifestyle choice. 
Posted 2009-01-22T20:42:23Z
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~ Snotternonsense   CatInHatter ~

S.N.O.T.S., Inc.

I'm sorry Steve, but I just can't agree.  We don't choose what foods we like and we don't choose who we like to be with intimately.  I always thought that love should be beyond all these issues, but I guess there are some that would rather believe in their own moral values more that they can believe in their own offspring.  This really saddens me.
Posted 2009-01-22T21:35:29Z
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6450 answers
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~ Snotternonsense   CatInHatter ~

S.N.O.T.S., Inc.

I'm sorry Steve, but I just can't agree.  We don't choose what foods we like and we don't choose who we like to be with intimately.  I always thought that love should be beyond all these issues, but I guess there are some that would rather believe in their own moral values more that they can believein their own offspring.  This really saddens me.
Posted 2009-01-22T21:36:55Z
 
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But thats the thing we do choose among the foods and among the people to be intimate with; it is a choice.  For most people God sets the boundries on all things.  Some will not abide by his boundries though.  Choice in this matter is an important part of my answer.
Posted 2009-01-22T22:10:13Z
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