6 year old temper tantrums

Children throw tantrums as a way of expressing anger and frustration. In dealing with tantrums, the ultimate goal is to teach the child acceptable ways of expressing anger.

Sometimes it won't be possible for you to escape from the public place easily. For example, if you are in a commercial jet and the child throws a tantrum while you are coming in for a landing, you are basically stuck where you are. Likewise, you may find it hard to escape if you are standing in a long check-out line at the grocery store with a cart full of groceries. Under such circumstances, all you can do is grit your teeth and hang on. Ignore the screaming child. Ignore the glares and snide remarks of the people around you. Keep your cool. (Anyway, a screaming child in a check-out line speeds it up, so your child is actually doing everyone a favor.) Once you are able to make your escape, talk to the child about his behavior. 

Once your child has settled down, you and he/she need to have a talk right away while the memories of the episode are still fresh in his/her mind. He/she threw the tantrum because he/she was angry or frustrated. Don't get into the issue of why he/she was angry or frustrated. Concentrate on the tantrum itself, explaining to the child that the behavior isn't appropriate. Then teach him/her what he/she should do instead when he/she feels angry. This works with children of any age, even toddlers. Your toddler will understand you. Toddlers understand far more than they are able to express.

First describe the behavior: "You felt angry and you threw a tantrum. You were screaming, throwing things, and kicking the walls." You say this so the child will understand exactly what you are talking about.

Then you explain that tantrums are not proper behavior. Make sure that you are clear that the tantrum is bad, not the child. "Tantrums are not appropriate behavior. In our family, we don't scream and throw things and kick. That behavior is not acceptable." This has an impact on the child, because your child wants to do the right thing. You help him/her by explaining that tantrums are the wrong thing. And don't worry about using big words such as "appropriate." If you use big words with a child, the child will learn big words. If you use only little words, your child will learn only little words.

Then give the child some alternatives: "I know you felt angry. When you are angry, what you do is say, 'I'm angry!' Can you say that?" Have the child repeat the phrase after you.

Next review what you have said. "What are you going to say next time you're angry?" Get him/her to repeat the phrase, "I'm angry!" Then say, "Next time you're angry, are you going to scream?" The child will probably say or indicate "no." "Next time you're angry, are you going to throw things?" "Next time you're angry, are you going to kick?" End up with, "Tell me again what you're going to do next time you're angry."

You will have to repeat this discussion many, many times. It takes a long time for a child to learn how to control a temper tantrum.

You can read more about how to deal with tantrums below:

http://secure02.kidshealth.org/parent/emotions/behavior/tantrums.html 

Temper tantrums are hard to deal with as a parent when you see your child crying, not being able to communicate and causing a raucous in public

Not much to add to Walter Davis' answer except for a few points:

I doubt you are doing anything wrong.  Every kid is different.

1.  Ask your daughter what she is feeling/wanting, that might ease things, but sometimes not.  Frustration and/or boredom is hard to express in an articulate manner when you are six so they need to know they can tell you what is on their mind and that it's ok to take their time doing so.  However, kids can not be entertained all the time nor get what they want. 

2.  This part is really hard, and it requires being calm and an even neutral tone.  If the tantrum doesn't stop, go to a time out spot, usually a corner.  Speak to here at her level that it is fine to be mad, angry, and state that they are angry.  Also let her know unconditionally that it is not appropriate behavior to have a fit, and that she is in time out in the naughty spot.  Let her know that every time she leaves that the clock begins again.  Then just let her sit/stay there for each minute of her age (age 6 = 6 minutes).  She can do whatever she wants while she is in that corner for the 6 minutes.  If she tries to get out, just put her back.  If she tries to interact, do not do so.  Read a book, sip your tea, etc.

When the 6 minutes are done, reiterate why she was in the corner/naughty spot, and ask her to say sorry.  If she doesn't, begin again.  If she does say sorry, say that's great, give her a big hug, and tell her you are proud that she said sorry, and that you would love to continue and talk with her.

3.  Ask yourself when and where she is doing this.  Is it at the grocery store or regular errands?  She might be bored, so plan it so that she can be a big girl and help you.  Is it at events?  Plan to bring activities she might enjoy or games you can make out of the events.

4.  Start getting good manners dvd and storybooks that demonstrate good and bad manners.  And give her praise when she is being helpful, and give her a reputation that she can live up to (your granny loves it that you say please and thank you and don't shout, you do good deeds all the time!).  She will pick up on it.

5.  Sad to say this, but if none of the above work after a month or 2 of solid reinforcement, it might be time to say that if she doesn't behave, it is time to leave right away and that you are dissappointed.  Then pick her up and go.  Do not interact with her during this time. 

This is very serious and could lead to lifelong problems for her unless you intervene now. She is too old for tantrums. She should have developed more age appropriate coping skills by now. She should be well aware that disappointments happen and these are not excuses to treat people vengefully or to lose control.  So her behavior indicates a serious issue. You need to enforce a consequence each and every time there is a tantrum. In fact, don't wait for the tantrum. If she speaks disrespectfully or raises her voice or does not stop whining and demanding, respond silently and calmly with an immediate consequence. Whenever possible, immediately take her hand and remove her from the situation without speaking at all. If she resists, carry her. Do not speak until she is truly calm. This may be quite a while. Do not respond to a crying and whining tone even when accompanied by cooperative words such as "OK OK, I'll do what you say now." The tone has to be respectful, not whining. She should not get whatever it was that she wanted AT ALL that day, and you should not promise her the item or treat in the future (although you may give it to her the next day if you want). Her requests for the item are still demands (in disguise) and she needs to know she will not get what she wants after a tantrum, or any rude uncontrolled behavior. She will try to bargain to mitigate the consequence of having a tantrum and this can't be allowed. You do not need to have all the discussions mentioned in other replies, as these really do not address the issue at all. In fact, it will be quite frustrating for her to hear your speeches. These are all well intentioned lectures that unfortunately do not help since they miss the whole point. Your tantrumming daughter wants what she wants NOW and is bullying you in order to get it. She is well aware that she is angry and also well aware that saying "I'm angry" is not the same as GETTING THE TREAT. She just wants the treat. She knows it, you know it. Good luck.

Visit a psychologist - they have great methods how to stop that kind of actions.

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I tend to agree with Lifecoach. My six year old grandson gets out of control over the slightest interference with his notion of how things should be or should go. He doesn't tolerate correction or being told "No." He behaves appropriately with other adults, but with his mother and sometimes with us, he whines and throws fits to get his way. My daughter gets the worst of it. She is afraid to take him in public, and is embarrassed and ashamed by his behavior. He is not an abused child. On the contrary, sometimes it seems like he simply refuses to have any limits placed on him. Spanking doesn't make any difference to him, and none of us has the heart to do it anyway. We don't want to hit him. Talking to him about his behavior is a dead end. He won't discuss it.

We are implementing the approach suggested by Lifecoach in this column. Hopefully the loss of privileges will make a difference to our little tyrant.